Choices

We like to think that the path of our lives are charted by the big, monstrous decisions. In many ways, this is true. Deciding where to go to school, what to major in, what job to take, who to marry, where to live. I can remember many of these huge decisions in my own life. Some came easily, some were gut-wrenching selections. Some were wrong, taking me down a path fraught with outcomes that haven't been ideal.

I've now come to a time and place in my life shaped not by the big decision but by the lack of a decision. Contentment would be too strong a term, implying a choice that led to a comfortable existence. No, I've come to this point in many aspects of my life by the lack of a decision. Business and career decisions more about making money for the next three months rather than building something great for the future. Faith choices to avoid asking hard questions and putting myself at risk rather than to serve, to accept, to humble myself. Relationship choices where a smile is enough, where allowing my wife to find her own ways to grow and connect is good enough for me.

I'm not one to make grand proclamations of intent, having been burned by my own words too many times to even mutter something to myself. Yet it is this that I now struggle with, crafting a new definition of who I will be, of what I will achieve. I told my wife at lunch that this will lead to a time of great risk for us, regardless of what our choices end up being. If I decide to get a job, if I decide to reinvent my own company, if we decide to move. Any of these and other choices bring great risk to our lives and our relationships.

I've always been a change agent, one to embrace risk, ideas, and a new way. I've gotten away from all of that. I've gotten away from people as well, living here in my basement in front of this monitor with these Bose headphones on my head. We have money in the bank with minimal debt, yet I'm making no contribution. I'm not around smart people anymore. I'm not challenged in my life.

I'll be working to figure all of this out, and I'll put it in front of you to chime in, to follow, to laugh at, to commiserate with, to relate to. Feel free to give your thoughts and ideas, either through comments here, emails to me at csquard@gmail.com, or to your own posts. Thanks to everyone who left comments and sent me emails. It's great to know I'm not alone.